April 8th 2018,
Driving amongst familiar roads of the Hudson Valley, she is as beautiful and magical as when I left her 3 and a quarter months ago. It feels a like a dream still, but I’ve made it back and started to settle into my little apartment, re-energizing the space with new crystals, totems, sage smoke and rose spray, and a new vision of how I will use this space is in motion.
I haven't quite started the full processing of the past few months yet, nor have I had any motivation to write in my journal. I’m sure there are lessons that have been imprinted on me that may take many months or even years to make themselves known to me consciously. And there are obvious descriptors like: expanding, challenging, fun, magical, warm, cold, comfortable/ uncomfortable and it was really, really difficult at some points, though, If someone asked me to describe my journey in one sentence, it would be that this trip allowed for a Deepening to occur. Deepening was the main motif. It brought me deeper into myself and my art, deeper into thoughts, into expression, a deeper movement into embodying this physical body. Deeper into TRUST, and deeper into the Unknown.
In this process of deepening, I learned that everything is just BE-ing, in every moment. And when you find yourself Present, you can sink into that BE-ing. Lean into it however far you want. That it’s a choice you can decide to make, is amazing. You can bite into it, passionately kiss it. Make love to it or drink it up fiercely. You can just stare at it, soaking it into your auric field if that’s all you have energy for. Do you have a vision or an intention to set? Can you witness where or not you are you holding on to an expectation or a certain outcome? The deeper you go, the more there is to witness. The deeper you go, the more Awareness you bring with you. Though this is not necessarily all that revelatory, the learning of this experientially has changed my perspective on how I experience a moment. How will I choose to utilize a moment and how does awareness change the sensations within one?
I think it is with this change in how we spend our moment, with awareness, is where we can find real positive change within our lives. Where we can start to witness how we are truly responsible for our own inner work (rather than giving our power away to someone else..) and that it starts with deepening your Presence in each moment. Not that that’s easy or anything… But can you stop to notice when you have a loop of negativity running through your mind, criticizing yourself, and instead replace it with a breath of self love and compassion? Can you stop and pay attention to how your body feels when you're feeling overwhelmed or angry? Or how about when your feeling really blissed out and filled with pleasure?
From the Vipassanā retreat, to Italy, to recording my album in northern California, there were so many different sensations and emotions that arose. I watched myself crash and burn and rise from the ashes of my old self on a daily basis, and it continues to happen. We are all works of art constantly being worked on. No destination. It’s so important for us to remind ourselves of this so we may have more flexibility with ourselves. Can we let the world shape us as much as we are trying to shape ourselves? This brings me to the feeling that has been present most of the trip.
Allow me to introduce: Spaciousness.
Last summer I took a class that kind of rocked the socks right off my feet. It taught me how to connect to myself, the world and the universe in a whole new way. I learned how to truly feel into myself for guidance. I learned to ask Yes and No questions and feel what the answers felt like in my body. During the past couple months, I have noticed that the feeling of YES feels exactly like the feeling of being completely unlimited. Limitlessness feels a lot like the spaciousness you feel on top of a mountain, and that spaciousness feels the same as Allowance. Very interesting… How much can you allow while still maintaining healthy boundaries? Asking this question has pushed my limits even higher. Can you make room to allow for the things you have no control over? When I said YES, Peace began to fill my inner space.
One of the resources that have helped tremendously with building the foundation of this awakening I am going through is the sound meditations channeled by Tom Kenyon. There is one in particular called Spatial Cognizance. It prompts you to close your eyes, listen to the sound as your primary audio input and feel on a physical level, space all around you. It doesn't matter if you are envisioning or imagining it, the important part is your body feels it. It is this practice over the last few months that have given me the aforementioned insight of this feeling of spaciousness being the foundation of many other feelings I have experienced in the last year. I can’t recommend enough that you take a listen and see if it resonates with you.
After Italy, I came back to California with $50 in my wallet. It didn’t feel great but I was trusting that I would be resourceful enough and supported enough by my community and my spiritual guides. At that moment, I was still on the unknown side of the situation. I was able to borrow some money from my housemates and made my way to the artist in residence program I was going to attend at the Sanctuary in Arcata, California. Once I arrived, I had to figure out how to make some money. I was in a perfect place and situation to put my skills of voice coaching back in action. Looking at this situation now, with perspective… This experience set me up to re-ignite this passion for helping others explore their voices. And it gave me an environment where I could quickly build the confidence to teach again because I had to. I just simply had to do it. Out of necessity I had to “put myself out there” and I had to rock the stage or else I wasn't going to pass the test. So I taught a handful of students all at different stages of their self-exploration, I taught 3 workshops, and directed a small chorus to learn a song to perform in 3 days.
Now, In retrospect I see the whole situation of my car getting towed a great blessing and a gift. It reminds me that, even though you don't know why something is happening right away, you can trust that it will serve to teach you one lesson or another.
I could not control that my car had been towed so I had to accept that it happened. It took me a minute after hearing the news from my car-watchers to feel into the spaciousness and allowance of the event. Waves of annoyance and frustration tried to attack me, but I tried my darnedest to stay present with those feelings allowing them to be there as much as the event had actually happened. I had to move with them side by side, not over or under them, but with them, with as much acceptance and allowance as possible. One thing that gave so much support in this was Listening to the Spatial Cognizance. Other archetypes of divine feminine ascended masters have also supported my journey over the past few months. The goddess of Compassion (especially self-compassion) Quan Yin being the primary. Calling upon her has been a lesson in forgiving myself for being way to hard and judgmental toward the progress of where I am in life. Always feeling a little behind where “I should be” or feeling set back, she has helped to teach me that I am exactly perfectly on my path to fulfilling my purpose. And embodying that feeling, accepting it on a physical level, helped me to dramatically reduce the stress and anxiety about having such an empty bank account. She helped me see my strengths and how I could take this situation to strengthen my alignment with my highest path and purpose. Working to help others learn how to express and grow through sound and voice feels really good. In addition to Quan Kin, other energies of the universe have helped me see that life can be so much more fun and playful and I have started to make much more room for fun and playful energy to arise.
Now I continue to increase and deepen my gratitude for all aspects of myself. Where all the parts of me that are already strong are learning to be accepting of and have compassion for all the other parts of me that still need developing. I believe this might be the main lesson learned on this journey. That I am a force of energy and I am also a source of energy. I can come to know my path/purpose and live it fiercely with confidence. But I have to truly believe in myself in order for it to work. Learning how to harness life force energy to serve myself and the universe with ease and love is not something that’s going to happen over night, but I believe I’ve ignited the flame.
The souls I met along this journey are ones that embody generosity, love, and compassion. Some have seemed to be lost while others have found a path and purpose that serves them and this world deeply. And some others have been somewhere in between. I have seen everyone doing the work it takes to be human and expanding their ability to love and I’m so grateful for everyone I met and who helped me along the way. They have all helped me open my eyes and heart wider than before.
Thank you to everyone who fed me, bathed me, gave me a bed or couch to rest upon. Thank you for supporting me and the album by pre-ordering (which you can still do!) and coming to the shows I played. You are all amazing!!! Thank you from the depths of my heart and with my entire being for making this trip such an amazing success!
My heart sees the light in your heart, keep it shining brightly!
SO MUCH LOVE,